Mildly Cornfused Here ~Otherwise Known As The Weekend Adam Didn't Call :)~

I thought maybe I had settled down and calmed about the whole JM thing going wacky for no apparent reason. Maybe if he reads this he'll see. Maybe if he reads all of this blog, he'll understand. I really don't know. I'm at a loss. I finally heard from him, he was drunk and sorry for what he did. Something about getting lost in himself again and feeling scared. Something about how everything in his life that he touches turns to shit and that the only reason he was alive was because of his daughter and how much he loved her. He then said he didn't know what he wanted right now. I said friends, he agreed he needed friends, lots and lots of friends and how he hated being alone. Then told me what a great person I was and how I deserved better than him. I can't see how someone could have been any better. The time we did have together was damn near perfect as it can get. So much in common. So much to laugh about and share. It was great! I was totally taken by his sweetness and charm. I can't say how much it perplexes me to think that taking away my choice in the matter would make it ok for him to run away scared. Shouldn't that be up to me? A part of me wants to walk away from it and be done. The very caring side of my nature says he's worth trying to help sort things out and do whatever it is he needs to get himself to together. Whether it be in friendship or as lovers, it doesn't matter to me. You can't feel so strongly about someone in such a short time and then just walk away when they get a little shaky. I now understand he's been through some emotional hell with a divorce. Our childhoods are so similar that I can utterly relate to the angst and torment that has to be overcome in order to be a well adjusted human being. I find it ironic that whenever a man has something emotionally important to say, it comes after a bottle of choice alcohol has been downed. I have to wonder if he even remembers talking to me on the phone at all. It's very frustrating and I can't help but feel a bit cornfused here. I care so much and think little about myself when it comes to him. I wish he could see that and not be afraid to talk to me about what's really going on in that head of his. I'm not here to pass judgment on another's feelings and emotions. After a year on my job and learning about life on my own, I want something good in my life and I feel at this moment, it is him that I want in my life. Imperfect is ok. Life doesn't have to be perfect and it rarely is in my eyes. I know he's not perfect and neither am I, but I am ready to work things out and help him if I can. He's gotta see that there are people out there that genuinely care about him. I know a child's love is nearly unconditional and that much I think he understands, but can't see there's room for another in his life. I've tried to make it clear to him, but right now, it seems like mud. Alas, I'm gonna try and sleep on this one and hope he sees what I'm trying to tell him. It's ok to be scared, it's ok to be afraid, and it's ok to feel that way. No less a man for crying and more a man to admit what it is he's thinking. GAH! I wish life could be simpler, but it's not sometimes. A poem follows with what I feel to a point. Sometimes fate and others conspire as well as the internal self to sabotage what we want out of life....

Sweetheart

The tyranny of distance,
Oceans in between.
Torn hearts of lovers,
Never to be seen.
Behind closed doors,
The rasping cry of sorrow.
No longer can this happen,
Not after this tomorrow.

The tyranny of distance,
This must be the dream.
Old thoughts of passion,
What could it possibly mean?
Love is not a hardship,
Nor should it bring souls grief.
ItÂ’s a matter of perspective,
Not just belief.

The tyranny of distance,
Joined at the crux.
Two lovers bound,
An ever changing flux.
The music plays softly,
Darling melodies of tenderness.
Never again away in time or place,
Linked forever and never a day less.

T~

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin